THE “TRUE” HISTORY OF AFRICA
Front National SA
One of the “cultural icons” of black South Africa made a statement a while ago to the effect that white people stole a whole bunch of things from black people. According to this expert of history, even civilisation was brought to the white European by people from Africa.
My argument that European (and consequently Afrikaner) history is recorded, verified and exists through numerous examples of architecture, compositions, sculptures and paintings, books, artefacts and development of human behaviour, was cast aside with the argument that we forged all that from a subjective perspective and that African history was recorded through legends, songs and stories.
That, in itself, I don’t dispute. I do dispute the reliability of it. If a story tells me of a great civilisation long ago, but I don’t see any remains of it through archaeology such as we have of ancient Greece or Persia, and I don’t see any customs or artefacts…, I am certainly going to dispute a story that could as well have been thumb-sucked by an old grandfather after a calabash of homebrew to entertain his grandchildren.
But let us give the benefit of the doubt and accept that we have it all arse about face. Civilisation came from Africa. Then history would have gone something like this.
While in Europe people were living in caves and hunting deer with bow and arrow, there was a great Queen by the name of Isabongela of the Spanjonaleli-tribe who decided to send a man by the name of uChristofefi across the great seas in his hollwed out treetrunk ship called the Santa Ancestora to discover the Lands of the East, because the Queen wanted pepper with her KFC. In this way, uChristofefi discovered the lands known to this day as America.
While this was happening, a great witchdoctor by the name of uPopo built a great hut called St Petofile’s in the African city of amaRoma. He called it : IsiVaticanye. For more than 200 years his successors took names like uFrancicofile, uJohanene etc. They sent their withcdoctors all over the world to teach their religion – in particular to the heathen Europeans who were still living in mud huts or little dwellings made from reed and mud which they harvested from the banks of muddy little streams like the Rhine, the Danube, the Loire and the Seine.
uPopo asked the great African artist, Michealolangwe to paint the ceiling of the great hut in isiVaticanye. Michaelolangwe decorated it, while on his back for four years, with lovely scenes of the civilised people of Africa hunting and making war and having children….many, many,many children.
A little north of amaRoma, where the tribe of the Isitaljano lived, there was another tribe. They were called Ka-Germanye. This civilised African tribe was an industrious tribe known for being very punctual. They would never wait for the lion to wake up before they hunted it. In this tribe was a famous musician by the name of Libalele Beethovinja. Everybody knew him by his Afro-hairstyle and the fact that he was so deaf that he could never hear the crocodile before it was upon him. He had many narrow escapes, but still managed to compose lovely symphonies for the drum and penniewhistle. The modern African even uses a string instrument made from a stolen 5l Castrol oil can to play his famous : “For Ellela.” This happened while Europeans in central Europe had only very basic instruments such as piano’s and violins with which only a rhythmic repetition of sounds could be made while they danced around the fire.
The Ka-Germanye also provided history with a clever man called uKalele Amasebenza in the kraal called Stuttagaja. He built a magnificent vehicle which did not need anything to pull it – he simply asked his neighbours to give him a push until it started. He named it after himself and the daughter of his neighbour: Masidezi-Benza. The Europeans never managed this. Once they stole the idea of the wheel from Africa, they tried to copy uKalele’s idea by putting four wheels together and then put a three-pointed star on the nose. Only a few of them could afford this vehicle, so Europeans never progressed past the point of walking all over the place.
The neighbouring tribe was called the Yamafrensja. The kraal of their king was a magnificent place and the township near it is called Parisisi. It is famous for the big tower of Ufeleli and for the excellent restaurants where you can get KFC and pap which blows the mind away! The uncivilised Europeans could not manage that level of cuisine and to this day eat backward dishes like Chocolat Souffle, Beef Bourguignon and Ratatouille.
If you want to see a truly magnificent example of how civilised Africa was long before the Europeans managed to crawl from the caves, you need to visit the learning centre of Cambridjidji on the island of Kwa-Brettandja off the coast of the land of the Yamafrensja. There you can read the poetry of great African poets such as uKietsjie, uByronjie, u Tennysonje and attend the great plays of the African author Rattlespear. He wrote remarkable stories of the two lovers kaRurumaio and Precious, whose European name would have been Juliet. They loved each other greatly, but because of lying and cheating and deceit (which you never find amongst Africans) he was forced to eat the berries of the poisonous bush and when she discovered him, she stabbed her own heart with his assegai.
In all this time the Europeans never achieved anything. That is why, today, when you go to the backward country of Belgium, you find a township called Brussels where all the chiefs congregate to discuss ways of getting away with corruption. This Brussels is a collection of shacks without any electricity or running water where these Europeans urinate in the dusty streets and live on the Sassa pension of the grandmother. In Belgium they call it Bassa.
Another township which is a great disappointment is that of Vienna where you won’t find any gardens or street or buildings above one storey high. It looks a lot like New York – all little corrugated iron shacks leaning against each other littered by shopping bags from great African business enterprises such as “Pick and run without Paying”, “Lion Steal and Tyre” (which is regarded as a jewellery store in Africa for selling combustable necklaces) etc. In Vienna they sit around all day making noises on their violins and pianos.
You won’t ever find great motorways in Europe, not like the uAutobahnene, running from Soweto to Kigali where you have six lanes for taxis and six for bicycles. You waste your time to find art galleries such as the magnificent Luvuvo in Parisisi where you can see the famous picture of the Captain’s daughter, Noma Sisi, smiling curiously, painted by Lebogang the Wincer.
And that is why countries such as Germany and The Netherlands and France and Britain won’t be able to exist unless they are provided with grants and support and investment from Lesotho, Swaziland, Uganda and Azania.
Truly, our eyes have been deceiving us. We understood history wrong all these years!